The last foothold was a tricky one. The rock was damp and dotted by patches of moss undoubtedly feeding off the gentle sweat of water emanating from the stone and earth above. I really didn't come prepared for this but then no one was planning to be this deep. It started as a trip out to see the local cave systems deep beneath the limestone Karsts but the gentle slopes and winding tunnels ceased and opened up into a breathtaking space.
Stalagmites and Stalactites gnashed like teeth and where they met, monumental columns had formed like an ancient Greek temple, rising toward the vaulted ceiling. The ceiling was spectacularly beautiful; more so than any Sistine Chapel. At the centre of this cavern, a crystal had formed and developed over millions of years and now hangs like a Chandelier in the deep. We were very deep and the air was almost as scarce as the light of day; some of our group felt faint and turned back to the surface. I stared in wonder at the shimmering crystal; it seemed to be pulsing with some life or energy that I could not explain and gave off a faint glow, the source of which remains a mystery. Furthermore, from the ceiling fell fine threads that sparkled with drops of moisture caught on them; the product of some subterranean silk worm. Oh I wish I could show you all! They were like stars glittering in space around the icy body that loomed above. I think to this day it will be the closest I ever come to feeling like I was in space, struggling to breath and hurtling down to an icy grave. Our numbers dwindled as the lack of air and stifling heat began to take its toll on our crew until it was just me, our guide and a friend.
"Do you want to go up special way?" our guide whispered in the gloom and it echoed around the walls. My friend and I shrugged, he seemed happy with the idea just as I was.
"Which way?" I asked.
Our guide pointed up to the ceiling and slightly to the right where, in one corner the darkness became deeper in a small opening I had not noticed before. We climbed toward it over piles of loose stones and earth; before passing into that dark gate I looked back for one last time into the depths of space, the stars, the moon. Then it was gone and we plunged on into the dark. We struggled in places to find suitable things to grip or to squeeze through tight spaces. Luckily I was wearing hiking boots with good grip but my unfortunate friend was wearing an ill advised pair of sandals. I'm pretty sure he was regretting the choice right about the time our guide indicated a near vertical wall that we needed to scale. I was carrying a small torch that I gripped between my teeth; dog and bone. Then we started to climb.
Half way I stopped to catch my breath on a small outcrop. My shirt was drenched in sweat as the humidity smothered me. I took a few greedy swigs from my water bottle and began again. My footing was steady and sure; mistakes could not be afforded at this height and in this place. The land of smiles is not synonymous with health and safety. No ropes means the very longest of drops. I wondered where the others were; in the light of day enjoying a cold drink and some lunch no doubt. Strange that I gave no thought to my safety as I climbed that cliff face. I'm usually so reserved and careful at home but for some reason, perhaps the lack of oxygen I was drunk on life and just went for it. It seemed a good idea at the time and to this day I stand by it even though I was one slip away...
I just kept going; no looking up and no looking down. In the moment. My heart was pounding out every second of my life like a drum and my muscles ached or burned, or both. My mind was blank but for the basic but all consuming movements of my body to just keep going. Above me the guide called out words of encouragement and not a few jokes about foreigners and their inability to climb. But I was there, the summit was within reach, if I could just twist my leg over to the next platform and launch my body up over the top. But it was a struggle and although my foot rested on the rock I wasn't sure. Of course I went for it none the less and pushed myself away from the rock. My arms shot up searching desperately for that last rock. My hand was seized by an iron grip; my guide and he hauled me up the rest of the way.
At the top I planted my back against the nearest rock and slumped to the earth. My body was throbbing with adrenalin and exhaustion. My guide pulled me up once more and urged me onwards. This was the moment when I realised there was sun light once more. It was bursting in through the mouth of a cave ahead of us and bleaching everything. I had thought the white spots in my eyes were because I was so tired but they were in fact my retinas dotted by the first sight of sun light. I staggered forward into the blazing heat of a Thai afternoon. The rush of air drowned my lungs and an electricity filled every inch of me. I felt like I'd been purified.
I sat in the mouth of the cave and looked out over the tree tops. We must have climbed quite far because we had been underground and were now quite high up. Trees and plantations stretched as far as the eye could see, broken only by limestone karsts jutting out like the jaw of a broken old man. The silence was overpowering.
In that moment I couldn't think of anything. My mind was blank and at peace; a smile was on my face and my eyes were open wide. I had the sense that I was alone in every way. No one knew what I was doing or where I was; in this cave, risking my life to climb it and looking out at the endless countryside in this far off place. I was for once my own man and for my own sake. The next week would bring my 25th birthday and I would spend it far from friends and family but I didn't feel sad. All of those feelings of loneliness and isolation filled me with pride and an excitement of independence.
I have never felt so free but my legs ached for days afterwards.
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